Failure at Leveraging My Emotions:
I was born with a gift and a curse that is powerful emotions.
I always knew I was an emotional person. I did my best to get them under control. Mostly due to a father who taught me that I should get this shit under control at 14 or else they control me. He was right. When I was a kid I would feel everything intensely, like some hyper-are superpower or curse depending on the day.
If I felt hurt, I would be seriously hurt, to the point where my entire mental state would be focused on that hurt for the next 24 hours. It was always sleeping that would get me out of whatever that hurt was. On the other side, if I felt love or just something I would perceive as a good emotion, it would take over me and my energy, thinking and just overall being would be exasperated to the point where I felt like I could do anything. I mean anything, intense confidence, ability and thinking would overcome me and creativity and execution would pour out of me like a fountain.
This was a double-edged sword. My lows would become real lows, like I don’t want to leave my house, don’t talk to me and let me deal with my shit low. My highs would make me think I could do anything I wanted.
I decided that these massive mental shifts in emotion were bad. So I just did my best to suppress my highs and lows at 15. The result was that for a long time I would try to suppress my emotions, for the sake of being professional, trusting and just normal. No one trusts a person who can’t get their emotions under control. Who would be the greatest person you’ve met one day, and one day be a fly on the wall. I didn’t trust my own self.
I went through years of this emotional suppression, not saying what I felt, not getting too high, or too low. I hated it, but I felt like this is what responsible people did.
The last 6 months or so I let all that go, I feel with my entire heart these days. It's much more freeing, less-stressful and helps me get shit off my chest. If I am feeling like shit, I let myself feel like shit until I don’t want to anymore. If I am feeling like superman I let it play out in it’s full, and let whatever comes from that flow.
I think what happened was I just wanted to be myself. If you can’t even be yourself in the world, who can you be? Who cares if I am judged for it. I want to be me with no apologies, and let people around me take the good from me and leave the bad in its entirety.
- Be yourself, everyone else is taken
- Emotions are good, reminds you your alive