Part of writing this blog is actually to take a look at myself from the outside in. Putting your thoughts online allows for raw objective feedback from people on the basis of your content. This objective feedback is something that I appreciate. The internet is a funny place. Deep in the back of my mind I still assume everyone on the internet is a 12 year old troll.
I’ve been trying to understand my personality for a long time, just like anyone else. I mean back when I got serious into trying to define and understand what kind of person I was, I bought all kinds of books that came up on ‘those’ google searches. Everything from Tony Robbins Awaken the Giant Within, to standard classics like Meditations by Marcus Areliius. I was reading a ton at one point in university. Looking back at the stuff I was reading it was really cringe, the book list I had probably looked like some try-hard intellectual stuff. I would hide the covers on the train when reading stuff like 48 laws of power or the Prince. I try to keep my reading to stuff that gives me a clear answer for what I need these days. This still involves some heavy main-stream literature, but it’s much more focused now. I want to know how to get over trigger hesitance? I read The Flinch. I want to know how to actually be kinder to people? I read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Stuff like that.
There were some criticisms I received through out my life that were so consistent and similar to each other that eventually I wanted to get a handle on some of them. Either except them as an ugly truth to who I am, or try to change them. Some of the ones I heard a lot over the years were:
- I don’t care for people
- I am distant
- I am emotional
The ‘I don’t care for people’ is something that I actually recently dismissed, it’s okay to hear opinions from people, but I should be careful with what you accept and reject as objective truth. I actually do care for people, I think I just don’t show it to enough. I realized I don’t even say good morning to people I see regularly everyday, like I have been coming to this coffee shop for like a year straight and have said good morning to a total of probably 5 times to waiters, and regulars that are here. That is pretty fucked up. Like dude haruun, you walk in and just start saying ‘latte, skim milk, please’ and don’t say a word for the rest of the hour you are here.
I realized the way I message people is fucked up too for 2020 standards. I’ll be sending texts with no smiley faces, or straight up just ‘OK’. Listen, I am 26 years old, my first smart phone was a blackberry bold in 10th grade, I should know this shit right? Shit comes of as abrasive or contentious with out smiley faces and shit on text. I realized if someone spoke to me the way I speak to others, I would think I am an ass too. I care about people a lot actually, it’s just I really never thought of the feeling I bring to them.
The ‘I am distant’ thing is something I’m finally starting to understand.
I asked people close to me recently how they would describe my personality. I asked the girl that sits next to me at work, my own father, Aaron before he died, a girl close to me at the time, and a good friend of mine in Shanghai. I generally just give off this ‘don’t talk to me’ vibe. Like, that is fucked up. I think I am so caught up in my own world 90% of the time that it comes off as just a dude who doesn’t want to talk most of the time. I don’t know man, ill just trying to smile more when I walk or something.
The ‘I am emotional’ think is something I accepted as fact for a long time and just a part of my personality.
I feel my emotions like a whole body experience and I can’t hide it. If I am happy I bring that energy to others, if I am upset about something it shows equally. I’m not going to be screaming at people and having a tantrum, but that energy is radiating like a thousand suns around me. Whatever I feel I bring that upon others too , now that is powerful stuff. I have the power to equally bring happiness to others and make people uncomfortabel too. What is hard is trying to leverage this superpower to bring more positive energy than negative.
These powerful emotions drive me, like days where I feel good I feel like a creative switch is pulled and I turn into Michael Angelo and Matt D’Avella’s love child. The days where I feel less than good, I feel like a dark cloud is hovering over me and I am bringing rain where every I go.
It’s a blessing and a curse. I used to try and deal with this by not getting too high or too low to try and manage these ‘passion’ levels. These days I accept it for what it is and try to make sure my less than happy days are not as obvious.
- Emotions are infectious, and I have a superpower
- Smile more
- Leverage your personality to the best you can.