Last week a new colleague told me some tough things he was going through that resulted in us sharing a moment at work just talking about our lives. For a guy who generally doesn't speak much about what's going on outside of day to day work stuff this was a special learning moment for me. It's half the reason is started writing these never-edited blogs.
This colleague, 'John' was generally just anxiety struck, constantly, no idea what he is doing, where he is going, and just had a constant feeling of dread. Struggled to get out of bed, went through the day like a zombie, forgot what normal interactions were, and had little motivation to do anything. He was depressed, even visited a doctor who confirmed that.
I shared with him that I felt many of the same things too, not in a condescending, 'everything's going to be okay bro' type of way, but I seriously could relate.
It made me think of the last time I was legitimately happy. I straight up couldn't remember. The last 10 years have been a blur of constantly moving on to the next thing, stressing out about whether or not this affiliate marketing thing will make me rich, if I can create a cult around protein-infused coffee scrubs, selling branding services in china, league of legends pet canvases all the while ignoring my increasingly unhappy demeanor.
On paper I swear to god if you asked my 12 year old self, he would be proud, impressed, sad I didn't make it yet, but would think I was on the right path.
Fast-forward to present day me, I can't remember the last time I was excited to meet someone, or just took a moment to enjoy life. Vacations suck because I am just worried about all the money I am spending, time I am 'wasting' and things I should be doing. Breakfast, lunch and inner sucks because although their healthy, they are just a means to an end. Eat > because good food means good performance > this will help you succeed.
People call me out all the time, the stress and anxiety is on my face like a big old 'look at me, I am captain now' thing. I cant explain it exactly, but I think I know now that I am unhappy.
Everything that I do in my life, is a means to an end to a goal, and in my head I see now that, I convinced my self that if I achieve that goal, then and only then will I be happy.
The result of all of this is that I completely lost the 'now', the present day, I've become straight up miserable on this train to whatever I defined success as. Like everything I do from now until whatever I defined it as doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if you are unhappy, miserable, full of anxiety and dread, all that matters is that you make it.
I wish I had a failcare lesson here for myself, but I still haven't solved this problem. This increasing unhappiness, anxiety, and dread is on my face, in my head and has truthfully, made me unhappy. But I want what I want so badly, I am don't care what this does to me.
1. I am unhappy, but I got to be okay with that for now
2. My dream is that important to me, that I am willing to sacrifice my mental well-being to get there.